[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
this is me
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head