Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
How can I say no to this ?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
man: wait
time: no
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.