how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
knights of the ikea table
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!