my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
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HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Wikigenius
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
No email needs to tell me not to reply.