I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
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every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen