My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
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NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
cats when you pet them too long:
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.