No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
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For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.