fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
#Caturday
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
no one ever comes back
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?