Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG