welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
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“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.