[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
British websites use biscuits.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
BRAKING NEWS!!
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives