Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
You Might Also Like
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.