“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.