Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Extremely relatable.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.