*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Put the is in disheveled
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.