Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
You Might Also Like
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.