Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body