Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I love art.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Mountain Goat : )
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year