Why font matters.
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”