Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself