If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
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“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!