If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
A drum solo but on your face.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.