him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands