i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
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Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Breaking news:
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog