Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night