Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
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*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok