My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
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How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Autocorrect is my menesis
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.