JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
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just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
#NeverForget
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv