Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”