I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.