Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
April 1st is the class clown of days.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.