I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
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[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?