HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
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Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
we’re gonna need another temp
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously