went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.