You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
love it when they get my name right
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.