Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!