My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
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I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Otters drive ottermobiles.