when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
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You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
#oldknees
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam