Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I hate when that happens.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”