[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot