i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.