Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
not seeing the problem
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.