“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.