My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
When your man makes a valid point
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.