Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
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Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade