Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
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I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.