Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
You Might Also Like
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
That’s it.I’m out.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”