How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.