They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
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Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.