Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
ok like just. call me at this point
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside